I first started running seriously in 2017. So I don’t know a world or a reality where I’ve run without a smartphone in my hand (or strapped to my arm) and headphones in my ears.

Some people listen to music while they run. I listen to podcasts. I pick two or three podcasts to play before I begin my run. And I can generally tell how far I’ve run based on how many podcasts I’ve listened to.

I don’t always listen closely. Sometimes, I zone out as I focus on my run. Sometimes, the background noise drowns out the podcast. And sometimes, my thoughts just wander around. But the sound of the podcast is always there — or at least it always was there.

On Saturday morning, things changed. My feet had been bothering me (more on that in a future blog post). So I tried to ease into what I hoped to be a slow five-mile run. And it was working!

I started with a downhill jog and my feet felt fine. I was breathing OK. The heat wasn’t bothering me. And then it happened — the sound cut out.

I glanced at my phone. The podcast was “buffering.” So I kept running and kept waiting for the sound to return. Seconds later, I glanced at my phone again. Still buffering. Something was wrong. My anxiety levels started to rise. I wasn’t even a mile into my run. How was I supposed to run five miles without something to listen to?

I launched two more podcast players and a music player as I continued running. No dice. None of them were working. And I was struggling to focus. 

I tried to settle my mind down. I told myself that I just had to finish my run without any podcasts or music. And that millions of people have run millions of miles without any soundtrack to listen to. Surely I could do it. 

My silent pep talk didn’t work. With each passing second, I grew more frustrated and anxious. I wanted my soundtrack back. I couldn’t imagine running five miles without it.

Finally, I just stopped running. I reset my wireless connection and started running again. That did the trick. It didn’t matter that my podcast player was randomly jumping from one podcast to another every few minutes. My soundtrack was back. I could run again in peace. 

I finished the five-mile run with no pain in my feet and ashamed that I couldn’t handle a few moments of silence.

I ran again on Sunday. The podcasts worked just fine. I’ll run again today. And as embarrassing as this sounds, I hope my podcasts play then too — because I really don’t want to learn how to run without them.